The One with the laminated List
by teacupsNmints
Summary: Bella learns about a new Cullen family tradition: the freebie list. Who would your favorite Cullens choose for their fantasy partners? Rated M for adult content. Originally written for the Friends/Twi contest. Collab with Feeb01


**This is a collab I wrote with feeb01. Posting for anyone who may have missed the Friends Contest. This was completely feeb's idea. SHe is quite the snarky one! I had SO much fun working with her! Watch for her to post a new story of her own soon. :o)**

**To all who voted for us: THANKS!**

**Disclaimer: Twi belongs to Steph and Friends belongs to NBC.**

"Does anyone else think Ralph Lauren is cute?" Jasper glided into the Cullen's living room with Alice right behind. 

"No, but he told me to tell you he thinks you're a fox." Emmett retorted.

"You're hilarious Emmett. This one here-" Jasper thumbed at Alice "-likes him so much she put him on her freebie list." 

Bella's forehead wrinkled. "Her what?"

"Her freebie list." Jasper answered matter-of-factly.

She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "What's a freebie list?" Bella asked. They all turned their eyes toward Edward.

"What?" he asked-palms up, shoulders shrugged.

"Edward! You haven't told Bella about your celebrity list?" Emmett looked completely baffled.

"I must have missed _the freebie list_ in my 'Vamp 101' memo" Bella replied.

"Don't listen to them, love. It's completely ridiculous. It's what comes of having too much time and no sleep." Edward smiled at Bella indulgently.

"Aw lighten up, Freud. Let the girl have some fun..._Cullen Style_." Then, Emmett winked at Bella. "She just might learn somethin'."

"Can someone please expl..."

Alice cut Bella off. "Ok, so have you seen the 'Friends' episode? The one with the lists?"

She shook her head. "No."

Alice sighed heavily. "Seriously? That show has been running in syndication for years, Bella. For a human, it's like you were living under a rock!"

"The lists?" Bella impatiently reminded her friend.

"Oh yea. Basically, all the characters have a list of five celebrities who they choose to be their _freebies_ to, you know, have sex with. In the event you actually meet them in person, of course."

"And they agree to have sex with you" Edward snorted.

"And you don't give into your bloodlust and rip out their throat." Jasper included, looking a bit sheepish. "Or maybe that's just me."

Alice patted his hand before explaining to Bella. "A couple of years ago, when the episode first aired, we all came up with our own lists. We revise them from time-to-time as our choices change."

"Or die." Emmett jabbed Jasper in the ribs.

Alice continued. "It's a little family joke. Esme even has one!"

"Ah yes, the heart of every healthy immortal relationship." Edward said, rolling his eyes. "Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities."

Bella turned to Edward. "So..." she drew out the long o. "Who's on your list?"

"I never made one." Edward shrugged. "It's hard to choose someone for sex when you don't even know what you're looking for. And now that I know it could never be any better than with the person I love..." 

"Suck-up!" Emmett coughed subtly into his fist.

Bella shot over and smacked Emmett's arm. "Okay, smartass, who's on your list?"

"Danica Patrick, Lady GaGa, Jenna Jameson..."

"Typical..." Edward muttered.

"...Zach Efron..."

"What!" Every mouth was agape.

"What? You telling me that's not a girl? Bullshit!" He scoffed. "Where was I? Oh, right, and the hot blue chick from 'Avatar.'"

Rose rolled her eyes. "Babe, you do realize she's animated...and could totally kick your ass.?"

"Maybe. But I can't help but wonder what would happen if I could just get her ponytail to hook into my..."

"Oh God, stop!" Bella yelled as everyone laughed. "Alice, your list please..."

"That's easy!" Alice smiled, reciting from memory. "Ralph Lauren, George Clooney, Johnny Depp..."

"Hey, he's on my list too!" Jasper waggled his eyebrows at Alice.

She placed a semi-obscene kiss on his lips before continuing with her list. "...Apolo Anton Ohno and Justin Bieber." Bella's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. Alice shrugged. "I know he's kinda young _now_...but I have plenty of time."

Bella turned to Jasper. "I'm almost afraid to ask about your list?"

"Johnny Depp" he said, winking at Alice. "Rihanna, Catherine Zeta-Jones..."

"A cougar. Nice." Emmett voiced his approval.

"Lucy Liu and Pink."

"That's quite the eclectic bunch." Bella smiled.

"I'm quite the eclectic guy." He returned.

"And yours, Rose?" Bella asked, beginning to really get into the fun.

"Yea, babe. Who's topping your list?"

"Well, besides you?" She said grabbing a handful of Emmett's ass. "Let's see...The Rock, Brad Pitt, Mark Wahlberg..."

"WHO?" Emmett hollered. "That rapper gone pussy who posed for billboards in his underwear?"

"Why do you think I bought you all those tighty-whities?" She smiled at her husband before continuing "Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp."

"Johnny better hope he doesn't meet you three. That would be quite a sandwich." Edward snarked.

"It's just a game, Honey. And I think it sounds like fun!" Bella laughed as she playfully hugged him. 

"Okay, enough about our fantasies. Who would be on your list, Bella?" Alice leaned forward on the couch, trying to foresee some answers.

Bella eyed Edward, who had moved to the other side of the room. The only good thing about the inability to read Bella's mind were the thoughts, like the ones she was about to reveal, that he really didn't want to know. He grimaced, balling his fists in his hair as she began.

"Ian Somerhalder." She said nodding in response to the squeals of agreement from the girls.

"Apparently you've already given this some thought." Emmett laughed, aiming the jab at Edward.

Bella took a deep breath. "Caleb Followill." She said in one expelled breath.

"Kings of Leon. Very nice" Alice agreed.

"Three more." Emmett encouraged, grinning at Edward.

"Bella, you don't have to..."

"No, Edward. It's okay." She chewed on her bottom lip, deep in thought before almost shouting "Oh! That guy from 'Sky High.' The hot one."

"Michael Oregano...or whatever his name is?" Jasper asked.

"Ewww...no! The other one. The good-looking one."

Rose nodded her head and cooed. "Steven Strait."

Bella nodded.

"Nice." Rosalie said, high-fiving her sister-in-law.

"Ooooh! Usher!" Bella added.

"Wow, Edward. She's really having fun with this." Emmett said, throwing his arm around his brother's neck.

"One mooore." Alice purred.

Bella sat down, and closed her eyes. It was easy to see she was making sure she picked just the right person. When she'd decided, a smile spread across her lips. "Robert Pattinson."

"Who?" Emmett asked.

"You know. He's been in a few movies. He played Cedric in 'Harry Potter.'"

"I remember the character, but can't place the face." Jasper said.

"Wild hair...really pretty green eyes." Bella added.

"Nope." Rosalie said

"Sorry." Alice frowned.

"He talks with a sexy accent. He sings, too. And he can be really silly and humble." Bella pleaded for her friends to remember.

"Now, I think your just making him up." Edward said. "Nobody's THAT perfect."

"Well, we don't know who that is ...so you have to pick someone else." Emmett informed her.

"I don't want anybody else. Just him." Bella pleaded.

"If Bella wants to keep her imaginary man to have imaginary sex with, it's okay with me." Alice shrugged.

"Yeah." Edward rolled his eyes. "It's not like we'd ever actually meet any of these people here in Forks."

"Well, you won't have to worry about meeting _anyone_ Edward," Alice laughed. "You don't even have a list."

Edward looked quickly around the room, his eyes landing on Bella. "You want me to come up with a list?" She raised a single eyebrow in challenge. "Game on, Wife. Give me 24 hours."

_**The following evening, at a local coffee shop...**_

"Why are we here again?" Emmett grumbled. "I thought we were trying to avoid the public slaughtering of innocents."

"Sorry." Jasper whispered, looking a bit embarrassed.

"Bella wanted to try to build up her tolerance to humans. You know, get a feel for blending in before the semester starts." Rosalie said as Edward snagged some comfy seats for them in the back of the shop. "Don't worry. Alice took a peek and all the patrons escape unharmed."

Wearing a smirk and obviously fighting back laughter, Jasper nudged his brother and said "Emmett, that's some bag you've got there." He motioned toward the large leather satchel on Emmett's huge frame. Jasper gave in and chuckled, in a voice a few octaves higher than normal "Alice would love some company in her fashion design classes." Just as Emmett reached for his brother, the door to the shop swung open. 

"Hey guys!" Bella called as she hurried in. "Sorry I'm late...woh!" She stopped in her tracks noticing the monster of a bag on Emmett's shoulder. "What's with the 'murse' Em? And just so you know, I'm not holding that sucker when you go to try on clothes."

Jasper reached over to give Bella a high-five.

Emmett shifted his man-bag and tilted his chin up. "Actually, JAZZ, you're better-half purchased this satchel for me online. Rosie thought I should make some effort to look a little older, since we're doing the college thing now. This -" Emmett patted the bag. "-is my secret weapon."

Breaking his silence, Edward chimed in. "It's big enough to carry a weapon, that's for sure. Perhaps the Pentagon should check your..." He cocked his head, looking at Bella. "What did you call it again, love? A _murse_?"

Bella's eyes softened as she took pity on her cumbersome brother-in-law. "I'm sorry Em, it's not a 'murse.' In fact, it's quite masculine...ish...sorta. Actually it's...it's...unisex!"

Emmett's eyes got wide as he grabbed Rosalie by the waist and pulled her to him. "Maybe YOU need sex. But **I** just had sex a few hours ago. Ain't that right, babe?"

"No Emmett!" Bella took his hands as she tried to explain. "U-N-I-...sex."

Emmett's face lit up and his dimples deepened. "Well, I ain't gonna say no to that, but we better check with Rosie and Edward first." Then he snapped his fingers as if it were a "Eureka!" moment. "Hey, I know! Why don't you add me to your list? Ditch that Pattinson pansy for a REAL man...or vamp, as the case may be..."

Alice held her hands on her hips. Her face wore a rather stern expression. "That would defeat the entire purpose of the list, Emmett." She held up two pale yet perfectly manicured fingers. "You are neither a celebrity," one finger went down, "nor a human."

Edward suddenly pulled a large spreadsheet from his briefcase.

"What's that?" Bella asked.

"It's my list." He returned in a voice full of pride.

Jasper grabbed at the sheet. "Is that...laminated?"

"Well, it took me a long time to complete. Lots of thought and effort. I wasn't taking any chances." He defended.

Alice took the large page from Jasper. "Edward, you were only supposed to choose five!"

"Jeez! How many did you pick?" Bella asked, her eyes glued to the paper.

Edward spoke proudly. "I developed a process of elimination. I began with a very large, diverse group of women...and eliminated them based on a variety of criteria until there were only five. The final five are in bold print italics."

"Okay. This better be good." Emmett declared as he rubbed his palms together, his voice booming through the coffee shop.

Edward settled onto a couch while they all stood around Alice, who held the list out for her family to see.

"Natalie Portman. Oh, Edward. She's cute."

"Did you know she was born in Israel, moved several times as a child, still graduating high school with honors and attending Harvard. She..."

"Dude! Uma Thurman!" Emmett interrupted. "Totally bad-ass in 'Kill Bill!'" Emmett approved, immediately placing his brother in a playful headlock.

"She's more than just a hot body. She pursued her dream on her own as a young teen and worked through some difficult decisions. She now continues to make great movies and is also a loving mother." Edward explained.

"That's one Hot Mama." Emmett added.

"Thank you, 'Real Hollywood Story.'" Rosalie said over her shoulder as the group scoured his list for the next name.

"Angelina Jolie?" Bella raised an eyebrow at her husband. The rest of the group went silent.

"Again, more than just a pretty face." Edward insisted.

"Yeah! Her body's smokin'!" Emmett added.

Jasper spoke, more to himself than anyone else. "And it doesn't hurt that she's been know to carry a vile of blood around her neck either." Noticing the roomful of dirty looks he retracted with a heartfelt "Sorry."

"She's a beautiful humanitarian, helping people all over the world." Edward explained.

"So does Oprah Winfrey, but I don't see her on your list." Rosalie interrupted. " Oh...wait. Found number 4."

"I was trying to look beyond a beautiful exterior. Human appearances fade, we know that better than anyone. It's the content of the character that counts."

Emmett scoffed. "Eh, y'know what, she's too political. She probably wouldn't let you do it unless you donated four cans of food or joined her book club or something."

"Plus she's too international now, what with her school in Africa and all." Jasper tapped Oprah's name on the list. "She's never gonna be around."

"Yeah,_ that's_ why you won't be gettin' with Oprah..." Bella replied sarcastically. "Geography."

"I think we're getting off the subject here..." Edward tried to interject. "This was supposed to be fun." 

Emmett leaned forward, rubbing his hands together. "Eddie's right! That's four..." he did air quotes, "..._hotties_ down, one lucky celebrity to go. Who's the lucky lady?"

"Kristen Stewart." Jasper read, monotone. "Who's that?"

"Wasn't she the little girl in 'Panic Room?'" Alice asked. She threw her hands up at Edward's accusing eyebrows. "No judgment, I'm willing to wait for Beiber."

"She's all grown up now, beautiful and quite the actress." Edward shared, proudly.

"Never heard of her." Rosalie shrugged.

"Me neither." The rest chimed in.

"I researched this. I discovered her when looking up Bella's Pattinson. They are said to be a couple."

"Sure they are." Rose said.

Bella looked at Edward, her expression showing question.

"They are. You can Google it!"

"Whatever dude!" Emmett conceded as he threw a tip on the table, although he'd ordered nothing.

Rosalie laughed as she followed her husband out of the coffee shop, "Maybe you and Bella can find your imaginary couple and double date sometime."

Jasper patted his sibling's back as he passed, a look of disappointment on his face.

"We believe you two. Really." Alice smiled as she left with the others.

Once they were alone, Bella moved over to the couch to join her husband.

"And you, love?" Edward asked her. "Do you believe me?"

"Sure I do, honey. Of course. But just promise me one thing, okay?" she asked

"Anything." He said as he placed a tender kiss on Bella's cheek.

"You'll tear up your list, if I tear up mine?" She asked nervously.

Edward pulled Bella into a tight embrace followed by a very passionate kiss.

"That's the best idea I've heard all day!"

No longer able to resist, Bella squeaked "Oprah Winfrey? Seriously?"

Edward simply grinned.

"Emmett's never gonna let you live that down." She giggled.

"Then I guess it's probably a good thing I crossed off Betty White." 


End file.
